November 2, 2006
Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser
by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D.
A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future.
Some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person.
"The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings – but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned. You fear challenging or confronting them – fearing that temper and violence will be turned in your direction. "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
"The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior – it’s always the fault of someone else. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
"The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others – verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters. Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge
"The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
"The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too skinny, too unattractive, don’t dress properly, or don’t talk correctly.
"The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say "I love you" enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence.
You will be "walking on eggshells" – always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument. This leads to paranoid silence and introversion as a means to avoid making mistakes.
"The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. This leads to reclusion from activities and friends to avoid the 20 questions and vicious reprisal.
The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control.
Both male and female losers may threaten suicide to get what they want.
Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers.
Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" – escape will be three times as difficult the next time.