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A Canadian Dad

July 15, 2008


If you made the mistake of working hard to provide for your loved ones, that will be used a proof that you are the lesser parent. The "primary caregiver" doctrine places no value on men’s contributions to parenting.

From that point on you have no control. You are powerless over your own destiny and that of your children. If you remark on this, you will be labelled a domineering control-freak who’s only complaining because for once he doesn’t have all the power. All you want is some little piece of control over your own life and that of your own children.

She will get the kids, which means she gets the house and support payments. For her, the only substantive change in her life will be that someone she didn’t want to live with anymore will be removed. She’ll maintain a daily life with her children, remain in familiar surroundings.

You will leave and start a life all over again. You will lose many of your belongings, find a new apartment, refurnish it as best you can. But most importantly, you will be immediately cut-off from the daily contact with your children that you so love. No one likes to admit it, but this contact is part of the emotional framework of our lives. The sudden loss of it is as bad or worse than the death of a loved one. You grieve. You feel physical withdrawal. You have a natural urge to know about your children’s day, to be sure everything’s alright today. But you can’t. And you must either learn not to think about it when you can’t do anything about it, or go mad. Imagine having to teach yourself not to think about your children’s daily well-being because for two weeks at a time it’s none of your business.

After two weeks of fighting back the pain of separation, suddenly the children are there again. You revel in their love and giggles like a junkie that had to wait too long. Your hovel feels like a home again. You are whole again. You are a father again. Then, Sunday evening comes and they are torn from you again. Ripped from your bosom.
Your heart is broken over and over and over again every two weeks. The feeling of loss is unbearable. This goes on for months, years. And you have to learn to harden your heart so that the bi-weekly heart breaking doesn’t hurt so badly, yet leave it open enough to feel something. It’s a tough rope to walk. Being only human, some err on the side of heartlessness, unable to cope with the recurring pain, and get labelled ‘uncaring’. Others err on the side of pain, and sombre into depression, with disastrous effects on their private and professional lives, and get labelled ‘broken men’.

And some do worse – anything not to be consumed by emptiness, the injustice, and the pain anymore. 


This is a common story for many Canadian Fathers that have been ravaged by the Family Law System.  This dismal state of Canadian Fatherhood is further worsened when dealing with an abusive and vindictive ex-wife ala).  An abusive and vindictive ex-wife(kala) who regales in the emotional trauma that she has inflicted.  She has free reign to continue her tyranny of provoking confrontation, restricting access and information, parental alienation and financial slavery.


A Canadian Dad

From Everywhere, Canada

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